different strategies impact children’s social and emotional development. There’s plenty of debate, too—are firm limits beneficial, or should we take a more relaxed approach? What’s the right balance between discipline and empathy?

This can leave parents feeling uncertain. Some may reflect on their own upbringing with strict rules and decide they want something different for their kids. Others might worry that a lack of boundaries could be leading to poor behaviour. Everywhere you turn on social media, there are discussions about “gentle parenting,” hailed either as the perfect solution or criticised for contributing to unruly behaviour.

Cutting Through the Noise: Balancing Warmth and Demand

Research shows that two elements make the most difference in effective parenting, and the best outcomes occur when both are present - warmth and demand. These two key parental roles involve:

1. Warmth: The support, love, affection, belief and joy parents express and
2. The expectations and requirements they set

It's not just about setting rules - it’s also about creating an environment of support, affection, and love. When kids experience both high warmth and clear expectations, they tend to thrive socially, academically, and emotionally.

So, why are limits important? Imagine driving in a city with no traffic rules. It feels chaotic, unpredictable, and stressful. Children feel the same when they don’t know what to expect from their environment. Clear, consistent limits help them feel secure. They reassure kids that someone is in charge, so they don’t have to be.

Being the Leader: Why Kids Need You to Take Charge

Children don’t want to be in charge, (even if they insist otherwise!). Like passengers on a plane, they rely on you, the pilot, to navigate them safely. If the pilot suddenly started asking passengers how to fly the plane, panic would set in. It’s the same with kids - when limits aren’t clear when an adult isn’t decisively in charge - kids feel anxious. However, when they see you confidently taking the lead, they feel safe.

The Importance of Setting Expectations

Children’s behaviour often reflects the expectations we set. High, clear expectations usually lead to better outcomes. For example, if you expect your child to be polite, responsible, and kind, they are more likely to behave that way. The key is ensuring these expectations are appropriate for their developmental stage—a two-year-old won’t have the same self-control as a seven-year-old, and that’s okay.

Children will not always meet these expectations, and that’s normal. It’s important to understand the difference between common behaviours (like a toddler throwing a tantrum) and appropriate behaviours. Our job is to guide them to the latter.

Kids' Jobs vs. Adult Jobs

Children’s jobs are to learn, play, and explore. Adults’ jobs are to ensure their safety, health, and development. That means setting limits around things like diet, screen time, safety measures, and social interactions.

It can be tricky to figure out how much decision-making a child is ready for, but until they’re adults, the final call rests with us. A two-year-old might get to choose between snacks, while a teenager might help decide what’s for dinner, but it’s up to the parent to ensure that choice aligns with their needs (like including vegetables).

The Power of “No” and Why It’s Necessary

Saying “no” is a regular part of parenting. It means protecting children’s well-being, even if it makes them temporarily unhappy. While it’s nice to imagine a child calmly accepting your reasoning, most children will test boundaries—and that’s perfectly normal. Resistance (tantrums, arguments, sulking) is part of learning. Kids are figuring out their world, and our consistent responses teach them what’s safe, expected, and manageable.

Sticking to Limits: Connect, Correct, Be Direct

Setting a limit is only the first step; enforcing it is where many parents find challenges. Here are a few tips to help:

1. Connect: Recognise that boundary-pushing is a sign of healthy development. Try to keep your calm, avoid taking it personally, and remember that kids are just doing their job.
2. Correct: Address the behaviour, not the child. “Hitting hurts” is different from “you’re mean to your brother.” Focus on guiding behaviour instead of assigning blame.
3. Be Direct: Use “I” statements to set clear expectations, like “I need you to...” or “I expect...”. This affirms your role as the leader, without seeking their approval for
decisions that keep them safe.

Logical Consequences: Teaching Through Actions

Consequences are an essential part of enforcing limits. They shouldn’t be punitive but should be related to the behaviour. For example, if a child throws toys, the toys might be put away for a while. If screen time leads to constant arguments, it might be temporarily reduced until they can handle it without a meltdown. The key is consistency—kids learn quickly if limits change depending on how much they protest.

Staying Open Emotionally

Even when setting limits, it’s important to remain emotionally available. Kids need to know they’re still loved, even if they’re upset with you. This openness helps them learn to regulate their emotions and builds trust.

Final Thoughts: Embrace Your Role

Parenting is tough, but embracing your role as the guide and leader in your child’s life helps them grow into well-adjusted, confident individuals. Setting boundaries, offering warmth, and teaching them to navigate life’s challenges with your support create a stable foundation for their future.